[27 Apr 2006|10:52pm] wow i have not written in this in a long ass time. i have a myspace now even though no one really talks to me in that but whatever i dont have a lot to say right now except the fact i wanna scream. but other than that i will miss you so much sherri when you leave i love you incredibly. love always your best friend jess. 1 comment|post comment

[12 Feb 2006|12:35am] [ mood | as fuck!!!!!!!!!!! ] OH MY GOD I HATE PEOPLE AND THE WAY THEY THINK.(STUART) how can you think i have moved on already i just spent almost 8 months of my life with you. i dont care what you think as far as if im lying or not but i cant believe you would think that i have moved on already, yeah i can spend 8 months out of my life that started out great but started going down hill when you said your jealous and ok we had a talk we were coming out of it just fine i thought we would be fine and be together for a while. yeah not to mention the love making i had with you yeah let me just throw all that away ok noooo. i could if i hated you or if i didnt have any feelings for you but umm thats cause a problem when i have both of those. i have feelings for you and i dont hate i hate the things you do or think. what pisses me off about you saying its to faced is i have asked you before how your doing "oh im fine i guess for as far as us being broken up goes" nowhere in there did you mention your using alcohol to try and cur eyour problems. yeah thats it be a winner and follow the same footsteps your mom is in. thats the way to go almost NOT! thats about the last fucking thing you need but i wasnt going to say anything cause it was your choice. i was trying to act as if i didnt care about you anymore yeah well i may act really well but deep down inside it wasnt true. i hate the way you make me feel honestly. you piss me off and then you can make me happy. which might i add is funny mr "i want to get back with jess" but yet im going to try everything in my power to piss her off. hey dumb ass thats not going to win me back just to let you know. you have me laughing at one point and you say that sall you want to see and thats fine but then you pull things that you know will piss me off like the whole "black card" definetly NOT the card to pull with me and you know better the day we sat at your sisters house fighting about you guys being racist and me not being racist. what the fuck is your problem could you please tell me it would be wonderful to know. i hope you know that i have had about 4 chances to do something with guys and i said no everytime i guess i dont know why now since someone wink wink (you) decided to make up my mind for me that i have already moved on. you make me so fucking angry i was actually going to see if you wanted to hang out so i could tell you my feelings and the things you do that piss me off and see what happens there but fuck that idea now. i was going to do it today but i dont see the need cause obviously i moved on. why are you such a dick? why do you guys do that treat girls like shit and make up thier mind for them as if you knew what they were thinking. FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you dont know shit and especailly about me no one does the only one that does is me and i guess i still havent found the one i would share everything with. you men could suck a huge cock, im tired of this bullshit its retarted. this is what makes me want to be gay oh wait im already half on it so maybe i should make myself fully gay. umm sounds wonderful!!! this is the shit that makes girls not want to be with guys or if they do they have fuck buddies. men can bite me i hate you all. your such a dick. i bet you didnt see this coming me telling you that i still care for you but since you made up my mind i dont know if i care or nto for you!!!! i guess that would be your decision too??? i was talking to a friend today that said he needed a fuck buddy cause he hasnt got laid in a while and i thought it was funny!!!! but i thought to myself no i would rather in a way have a relationship to share with that but then again no at the same time cause of this bullshit. you make love with someone and look at it blow up in your face when you guys break up cause its blowing up in mine right now. i hope your happy that you make me feel like shit. all i have to say is FUCK YOU, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL OR WHO I AM!!!!!!!!! im done for now all i want to do is go upstairs to my room and think about bullshit guys and think how much better off i would be if i was gay. you men are horrible. your only good at one thing and even then in some guys case your not even good at that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE ALWAYS JESS!!!!!!! 9 comments|post comment

[09 Feb 2006|11:23pm] [ mood | wish i was with you babe ] well right now its like about to be 11:30 soon and i feel absolutely sick to my stomache. you know people make me laugh like when someone who normally is really mean to you starts being nice to you cause him and his girlfriend supposedly arent seeing eye to eye, he talks to you all sweet and is starting to be nice to you now cause he wants to feel "your powerful jaw". ok i know i can give some pretty good head but there is no fucking way i would ever put myself back into those shoes im trying to move away from guys that are dicks but i must have a sign on my forehead that says please follow me if your a guy that wants to date me and treat me like a dick. so how do you tell his girlfriend that hes asking you this shit especailly if you think she should know but you know she wont believe you??????????? tell me how you think thats going to work out.......... ummm its not going to its going to fucking blow up in my face if i tried that so im totally not going to say anything ill just keep my mouth shut. oh thats not original especailly since a lot of people dont know the secret that im hiding from everyone one until they can start to figure it out on their own in a little while.but anyways i was thinking that i miss my babe so much that i cant wait until he comes in to see his family and i. then i will be going to see him the next weekend thingy its going to be great. i wish all guys were like he is where you can be yourself and not have to worry about what people will say or shit like that. i was thinking again that im really pissed at the same time because my recruiter is being retarted and i am going to be taking my test next month now instead of this weekend. so now i have this weekend off and no one to see and nothing to do isnt that gay??? that really pisses me off now im not making my money that i really need. eeerrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyways i was talking to this guy about having kids with me and its wonderful cause he said he would rub my tummy and my back and talk to my tummy so the baby is used to the sound of his voice. so its a proven fact that if and when you get pregnant if the guy talks to your stomache the baby will recognize his voice thats wonderful. anyways i really wish i could talk to my babe but he went to the club with his friends so i will talk to him later but for now im going to go to "bed" i have to get up early and go to gay ass school. yeah but before i go i have a little story to tell. my best friend and i are top competors in the fast food chain im mcdonalds and shes burger king, now we are going to be competors in the military ill be in the marines and she'll be in the army. oh wait she is in the army she made it today signed her papers and everything im so proud of you girl i love you so much and miss you even mor ecant wait til i come down in april. like i said im so proud even if its the army instead of the marine corp. lol!!!!!! love you all!!!!!!! love always jess (penny) 3 comments|post comment

bjdfsgfksfsk = how i feel!!!! [07 Feb 2006|09:22pm] [ mood | and happy ] ok seriously im not getting off the computer until i put this in here completely. this past weekend i went to go visit seaweed (mike johnson) and i had so much fun. we hung out and did all kinds of stuff like he showed around his little college thats in the middle of fucking farm land.introduced me to some of his friends it was definetly cool. anyways to describe everything now. so friday i was on my way down and my dad was a little scared that i wasnt going to make the change from I-94 to I-75, but i did cause im sweet like that. anyways friday i was fine until i got into ohio itself then i got lost and mike had to come find me. lol!!! hehe!!! then when i got there we were supposed to go to the club that night but instead we stayed in and watched movies of course they would be about basketball the sport we both love so much, pretty much as much as we love each other. so then we watch zorro but i didnt like it so i went to bed and he watched it for a while before he came to talk to me and lay with me for a while(the night). so then we woke up the next morning/afternoon cause we woke up at 3:00 in the afternoon. haha!!!! but anyways the next day we got up went to the mall saw the movie called "when a stranger calls" wow that was a good ass movie, kinda funny cause its scary and i left nail marks in his arm lol!!!! then we went to steve & barrys to return my pants he got me for christmas cause they were to big but then we couldnt find any pants for me cause im yiddle so he bought me a whole nother outfit it was very sweet of him (thank you again). but anyways then we went to another store for him and then to his old dorm room to meet his friends and then back to his apartment. where we chilled for a while until we went to the club then we got ready and went and had so m uch fun i danced with all of his friends and creepy old drunk guys that wasnt so much fun but the dancing with him and his friends was. but anyways that night we got back and stayed up for a lil while all of us joking around and shit then we all went to bed and friday night i had told him when i had realized that i love him. but to elaborate on that subject seaweed you know this but i had not made it public until now cause i was very little worried what people would say but honestly i dont care anymore my reputation is already ruined do to someone else. but like i said i dont care because honstly how many times am i going to talk to these people after i graduate ummm never, but i love you so much seaweed!!! they can call me all the other names i got called when i was dating you i didnt care then i dont care now. oh what they going to call me a n----r lover oh no havent heard that before or other names dont gie a shit at all honestly. to be truthful since im on the subject i always have and always will love black men they are wonderful they know how to treat a girl and they know how and what to say to a girl. they are just magnificant!!!! plus when white and black people get together they make the cutest yiddle kids. even if they are mixed babies even if they are full black babies they are the cutest things ever. see i dont want kids but i told my mother if she ever becomes a grandmother shes going to have mixed grandbabies. i want black abies and a black man that can really take care of me like the way i deserve to be treated. seaweed darlin you are the one for me and i know the one word scares you but im not talking about that right now if that comes down to it, it will be later in life. anyways babe your parents have raised you very well and i honestly dont know if i could be without you! i would have to at least have you as a friend if not more!!! but i love you babe like i said if people want to say shit because i love black men then so be it cause i never hear the black men complain. anyways babe i cant explain enough how much you mean to me. im so tired of going out on a limb to be with people and it bites me in the ass in the end, cause thier unfaithful, jealous, controlling, whatnot. but seaweed you complete me i was so happy that day i left the hole weekend and even the week of all because i knew i was going to see you. my mom even realized and so did others they asked me why im so happy? you have made me cry but they were all tears of happiness or cause i was laughing way to fucking hard. your mine 4-ever i love you so much you make me so happy. theres still something but i can never figure it out when im by you!!!!!! but you made the ride home real hard im not going to lie. i heard a lot of songs that remind me of you, im not going to lie i cried but i then thought of how much you miss me and how much longer you have liked me and i thought i have to be the strong one and give you the shoulder because i think you would need one. i love you so much your wonderful in so many ways. i cant wait til next weekend when you come to visityour family and me. i love your black ass!!!!!!!! well this is pretty much everything i can think of right now,plus im sure your tired of reading anyways. Love Always Jess (Penny) "once you go black you dont go back" how true you get real attached!!!!! 1 comment|post comment

how much fun [04 Feb 2006|08:59pm] ok so today is the 4th of feb. or in other wordsits a saturday night and im finally going to the club since i went when i went with mke benjamin. i cant wait im so excited the club was fun then especially since the club was filled with like nothing but black men itwas like i had died and gone to heaven because black men are the best creation of all time. so anyways im going to the club with mike j and his friends. i hope i have fun i doubt that i wouldnt but there is nothing to gaurantee that i will. well for now i have to go get ready i will write morw later on i love youguys so much love always jess 2 comments|post comment

[29 Jan 2006|10:39pm] So its 10:40 right now and i just got off work 40 minutes ago. Wow today has been one of the most boring days i have ever had in my life. I wish my friends lived back here or that I lived over by them. Like Mike Benjamin as much as everyone thinks that the reason why I want to move there if I get the choice after bootcamp is, because I met someone when I was there. No not at all yes I did meet people there they were his friends, or his fiance well (wife now.), but i always planned on moving over by Mike. Wow so what if I did meet someone there what does that matter there would be no guarantee that, that person and I would work out anyways. I wont lie I met this really great guy when I was there. Did I have intentions of getting together with him? No, I was with Stuart. But did he treat me great? Yeah!!! Have I been treated like that recently before he did it to me? No, not in a long time. but he is not the reason why I would like to move there. Mike, Erin, and possibly a baby one day are the reasons why I would love to move there. They were so nice when I was there visiting them. Erin is a sweetheart I love her to death!! More than I ever liked, or would ever think about liking Laren. Erin I know you are going to be and are the best woman for my brother, I wouldnt want anyone else!!!! I so approve you, your wonderful, I know it means a lot to Mike to hear what I think. Honestly Im not bullshitting either. But besides them all being so nice they were so inviting as well, and honestly i never felt more welcomed in any other place. I love you Mike, Erin, and All the friends that were so inviting. This is the first time since I have been back that I have been able to sit down and put this in my journal well as far as the internet goes anyway. I have already put the way I feel about the trip in more depth in my actual handwritten journal. I just want to say that I miss you guys so much and I cant wait until I come back, and visit you guys. Maybe you will have a baby for me to see!! he! he! he! I love you, and miss you all!! Love Always, Jess!!! 1 comment|post comment

[29 Jan 2006|02:55pm] im so excited on feb 10 and 11 i take my test for the marine corps and as long as i pass which i know i will i sign my papers. asvab is the 10 and physical is the 11. then about 2and half til 3 weeks i ship off to south carolina to do my bootcamp. im really excited and while i know its going to be hard im looking forward to doing it because its something i have wanted to do since i was a little girl!!!!! right now thats all i have to say i will tell more later post comment

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